Mourning

How do you mourn someone who has been gone from you mentally for several years?  They haven't been the person love and remember for such a long time but now their body is gone as well.  It is time to remember the good times and cry because they won't happen again but it is different because those good times are so long ago.  

My grandmother died yesterday.  She has had a very hard time with her memory after grandpa died 9 years ago.  She could  never remember who my daughter was and would have to be reminded of her name and age each time we went to visit. (My mom and I think she may of had a stroke around the time of Lily's birth because it was Grandma's first real memory block.)  Grandma adored her but just could never grasped who she was.  I must be honest that I did not visit her like I should have because of the insecurity in myself to handle the situation with my children.  My mother has been a warrior for her, fighting through every condition and episode that grandma would face.  Grandma lived in her long term a lot in the last 3 years a place where I was not included. 

So here I sit here in tears trying to reconcile the guilt I feel for not seeing her more:  I sorrow I feel for not having her in my life anymore: and the joy of knowing that she is with her Savior and surrounded by people she has longed to see again.